Undoing 14 Mistakes:To Save Relationships
By: Shawn
“Learn untold things about relationships that will absolutely boggle your mind – things you thought never matter. You are going to discover what you don’t know… that you don’t know!”
Only read this eBOOK if you want to have a successful relationship … AND … you are as depressed & frustrated as hell because you don’t know what’s going wrong:
Why? Because what I’m about to
show you could literally turn your “depressed” relationship … into successful & happy …with these 14 tips…you might feel as if this report is written for you myself!
From My Desk:
This little report has been incredibly helpful for dozens people. These tips look very simple, and if you want you can start applying these immediately, but before that please read my two tips on page 4.
Be warned! It can be so powerful that might change your relationship forever.
Failure in relationships is one of the key reasons for people getting depressed.
More then 50 % of marriages fail because either of husband or wife suffers from UNDIAGNOSED depression.
Yes this is fact and my report is an effort to solve this one of the major causes of depression.
If you take the Undoing 14 Mistakes seriously and invest sometime, a little thought and are honest about what you really want in life, these tips can change your relationship scenes forever.
Most of my readers after reading this report start spending more time with their families and their relationships are back on track.
You now own the reprint rights, you can reprint, resell or redistribute this Special Report for any price you like normally I charge USD 19 for it. You can keep 100% of the profits! Or you can use this special report as a free bonus or premium and give it away. It’s your choice. The only restriction is that you are honor bound not to modify this special report in any way (that is the only reasonable restriction).
Talk Soon,
Shawn-
After reading Undoing 14 mistakes please …
TIP #1
It is important that you don’t rush in when you feel over whelmed…
TIP #2
Take a deep breath…get ready for big ride…
Yes I am ready…
I will make it no matter what it takes…
Relationships
We often find ourselves amid the wreckage of a love gone wrong, wringing our hands and asking, “Why did he or she turn out to be such a jerk?” I’m sure that person made one of the 14 Dumbest Relationship Mistakes, but what you should be asking yourself is, “Which mistakes did I make and how could I have prevented this?”
Sure, it takes two to tango, and if he (or she) was really a jerk, you think you probably couldn’t have done anything differently, but you could have. A change in your behavior may have changed his (or her) behavior, or it may have ended the relationship early on before you were too invested. You see, couples are often unknowingly attracted because their “dysfunction” fits their mate’s dysfunction,” which then creates an addictive dysfunctional relationship. We learn our bad behaviors and choices in childhood. What we actually experienced as a child or what we observed from watching our parents’ relationship is how we now play out our relationships.
This is why we make so many mistakes. But we can learn, become healthier, and stop choosing dysfunctional partners AND/OR not stay in a relationship that we know is bad for us. Most people make one or more of these mistakes repeatedly in their relationships.
Any relationship is a two-way communication and can’t survive without a positive response from the other. It is like clapping of appreciation that needs two hands.
And I want to tell you don’t give yourself a hard time. Don’t be your own worst critic, be your own best friend. After all, if a friend of yours was going through a tough time, you wouldn’t get on their case, would you? No, of course you wouldn’t. Positive self-talk can be one of your best weapons for confidence-boosting, so make sure you cultivate the habit.
Undo These 14 Relationship Killers
Mistake #1: GIVING ENOUGH TIME: First thing is to spare time for each other. Without adequate and quality time, your relationship will not survive for long.
Save at least half an hour daily, and at least one full day in a week when the two of you spend time together- just two of you.
Mistake #2: FORCING INTIMACY: Men and women who force intimacy try to rush a relationship. They’re in love with love. Men usually push sexual intimacy, while women comply by having sex too soon and then try to force the emotional intimacy. To stop this, YOU MUST TAKE THE RELATIONSHIP SLOW (1 date a week or less and no sex for 5 dates minimum, and keep dating others until your partner is committed to you).
Mistake #3: SHOWING YOUR LOVE: Male and female both depend on each other. One is incomplete without the other. So tell and show your partner how much you need him/her, but don’t cling too long, as that can make your partner feel trapped. It may cause suffocation.
Mistake #4: EXPECTING YOUR MATE TO READ YOUR MIND: Couples constantly complain about poor communication, yet they think their mate “should know” how they feel and what they want. To stop this, YOU NEED TO COMMUNICATE: what you feel, what you want, ask if they get what you’re saying, and then give them an ultimatum (tell them what you’ll do if you don’t get what you asked for).
Mistake #5: BE A GOOD LISTENER: Listen to your partner with heart. Encourage him/her to talk freely, by showing appreciation whenever needed. Be aware that most men aren’t mentally programmed for conversation in the way woman are. Be patient and help him to open up.
Mistake #6: PLAYING THE MARTYR: Martyrs believe that “justice will prevail.” They think that if they are good and sweet and nice and sacrificing, then they will get their reward and others will do good things for them. So they keep over giving and waiting for someone else to make their life better. But it never happens, so they become passive/aggressive and difficult to be around.
Mistake #7: BE CREATIVE: Learn new things to please him/her exclusively. It is very important to nurture a feeling of great care. If you don’t yet know yourself, find out.
Mistake #8: THINKING YOU ARE ALWAYS RIGHT: There is a big difference between self-confident and self-righteous. When someone is truly confident, they are open to others’ ideas. When someone is self-righteous, they are rigid in their thinking and afraid to listen to someone else’s point of view. People who think they are always right are often admired (foolishly). But they are seldom loved and cherished (because no one can get close to them). To stop making this, YOU MUST BE VULNERABLE WITH YOUR MATE.
Mistake #9: GOOD OLD DAYS: Try to repeat those rosy moments which you both enjoyed in the beginning of your relationship. Learn to love him/her, with all his shortcomings.
Mistake #10: RESCUING YOUR MATE: It feels so good to “help”
Others and we’re taught that it’s the right thing to do.
There’s just one problem. To “help” someone, you must first assume that you are better or stronger than they are in some way. Rescuing is a “one-upmanship” behavior that is “controlling.” So if you are “helping” your mate, you are also looking down on him or her — and probably controlling their life. Rescuing causes much more resentment from others than gratefulness (which is what we expect).
Mistake #11: OPEN COMMUNICATION: Don’t repress your feelings or angers. Hidden resentments poison a relationship; so if something bothers you, say it.
Mistake #12: TAKING YOUR MATE FOR GRANTED: We get comfortable and expect our partner to be around forever. We don’t think we have to spend quality time with them or remind them how we feel about them. After all, we’re just too busy for that. Feeling “taken for granted” is the major cause of cheating. YOU NEED TO REGULARLY SHOW RESPECT AND LOVE FOR YOUR MATE.
Mistake #13: LETTING PASSION DIE: People say passion will eventually die in any long-term relationship. But I disagree.
Granted, it usually does, but that’s because couples allow everything, except sex, to become a priority. The only thing that keeps a “love” relationship different from any other relationship (friend, roommate, family member) is the sexual connection. If a couple lets that go, they are letting go of “being IN love.” YOU NEED TO CONTINUALLY SHOW YOUR MATE THAT YOU DESIRE HIM OR HER.
Mistake #14: DEVELOPING LONG LASTING RELATIONSHIP: Develop friendship by doing many things together – cooking, washing, gardening, watching TV etc. It will cement your relationship further, giving you joyful contentment in life.
NOTE: Relationship problems tend to destroy a relationship because they are ignored and not because they occurred in the first place.
Difference In Gender Expressions
Men and women tend to behave differently while expressing their feelings. What if they were to know that they could control the direction their relationship takes just by understanding how to communicate with their partner and how to control any given situation. Relationship problems tend to destroy a relationship because they are ignored and not because they occurred in the first place.
When a woman and a man get angry, it’s not necessarily the case that women get angrier than men or that men get angrier than women.
However, when women and men get angry it reflects a process of gender socialization, more specifically, it is how men and women have learned to understand and cope with anger.
In the context of a dictionary, anger is defined as a feeling. In a social context, anger is defined as a reaction according to specific gender stereotypes.
A stereotypical scenario for women is when a woman gets mad and she cries. This may be interpreted as emotional and irrational.
Whereas men’s anger is sometimes recognized as strength and aggressiveness. An example of the stereotype for men is when a man gets angry and gets into a fistfight. This can be interpreted as not having fear and being aggressive. Hence, gender is a powerful influence on the way society understands and interprets anger.
Generally speaking, for girls, in order to be a “good” girl then a person has to be soft spoken and avoid anger. For a boy it is the contrary. He has to be more aggressive and louder than girls to reinforce his sexuality as a male. Bullying, attacking and intimidation are their resources for conflict resolution.
It is no surprise that in expressing their anger women tends not to be as aggressive as men and tend to talk about their anger more. For instance, when a woman gets upset with her husband about leaving his dirty clothes on the floor when he changes, she will talk about how this is bothering her and how it is not just her responsibility to pick up after him.
On the other hand, there is a tendency for men to express their anger in the form of physical aggression, passive aggression and to impulsively deal with their anger. When he gets mad, for example, because he feels his wife won’t let him do what he wants in his own home, he may simply walk away mumbling.
From both perspectives in the previous examples, the man and woman’s actions to anger may not necessarily resolve the anger but simply perpetuate it by their reactions according to the specific gender stereotypes. In other words, neither the man nor woman see the opposite’s point of view as it is but sees the other’s reason for anger according to gender stereotypes. From the husband’s perspective, he may see his wife’s action as nagging. From her perspective, she may see her husband’s action as being passive aggressive by ignoring her. But neither, during their argument, understands the other’s perspective and reason for anger. Both husband and wife react to the other’s anger according to the gender stereotypes.
Nevertheless, “getting angry” is a means by which to express anger and can be used as a positive force in a person’s life. A reaction to anger can also be a means of coping with it. By getting angry, a person exerts feelings that have been building inside. For those who hold in anger there is a need to vent their emotions and a need to find a safe and appropriate way to release them, regardless of their gender. Some take on painting, while others choose kickboxing to express their anger. The point is to find a non-violent way to express the anger so as not to perpetuate the expression of violence, as in kicking the walls or destroying property, and to have some time to think things through before saying something that can be more hurtful and harmful to the relationship in question.
Saving Relationships With Communication
Did you know that the biggest single reason for couples breaking up is poor communication!!! Many people find it difficult to express their opinions, ideas and feelings in a way that their partner understands. Research shows that many marriages that have ended up in divorce could have been saved if the couples had learnt the art of positive communication.
How many times do you see people yelling at each other one minute and all over each other the next? Have you ever wondered why that happens? Well, it’s all down to the way we communicate. In so many cases the answer to how to save your relationship is pure and simple – communicate. Most of us assume that our partner will understand what we are saying or see something from our perspective just because we are together, which is clearly not the case. Sometimes we misunderstand for just a short period of time, hence the yelling one minute, the switching on the light bulb as we calm down and the making up the next.
Sometimes miss-communication lasts longer and sometimes it gets to the point from which couples incorrectly believe there is no return.
It’s amazing how many couples just break up over issues that could have been resolved if they had only opened the lines of communication and worked towards a solution. Some couples don’t even try and others don’t know how.
It’s quite normal for a relationship to go through cycles, and arguments will happen from time to time. It’s how you deal with those arguments and disagreements that dictate the health of your relationship. If you want to save your relationship you need to learn the best way to raise issues and deal with them in a way that takes into account the feelings of both parties.
Many people split from their partners and go through enormous stress & depression all because they are unable to deal with a relationship problem that ultimately could have been resolved and in so doing saved them a lot of heartache and pain. It’s just crazy! If you seriously want to save your relationship you should learn the art of effective communication.
3 Final Tips
If you are in a relationship right now, or are thinking of going into one, there are 3 very important tips you should know and questions you should ask yourself before you ever get yourself into a relationship. This could save you from a lot of depression, heartache and pain when you are involved in a love relationship.
(1) Your lover does not owe you your happiness, peace or joy. Happiness is a state of mind we choose to have. All of your happiness, and all of your suffering, are created by you and they do not come from outside of you, or from others. Before you go into any type of relationship, ask yourself these questions: “Do I really, really, really know how to walk away from disappointment and fear? Will I be able to find the person that I am NOW even after I go into this relationship and begin a new way of life?” In short, you should not be dependent on your partner on your emotional needs. You yourself are responsible for your own feelings and creating positive experiences for both your partner and you whenever you are together.
(2) Love your partner for who they are. No one in this world is perfect. One day you will find your partner doing certain things or saying certain things that will hurt you, disappoint you or anger you. Before you go into any type of relationship, you have to ask yourself: “Will I be able to love my partner for who they are. If I am unhappy or angry with something they have said or done, will I be able to recognize my unhappiness or anger as against their speech, actions and behavior, and NOT against their persons?”
(3) Will I be able to love myself as much as I love my partner? If you cannot love yourself, how are you going to give love to another? This is a mistake most people make when they go into a relationship. They become over-obsessive with what they can give to their partners and what they can do for their partners. To ensure a fulfilling relationship, you have to learn to take care of your own needs as well. A true partner or lover is one who will make sure that you do not become too dependent on them. You are responsible for your own feelings and your own emotional needs too. You are a beautiful being. So, take care of yourself, love yourself, treat yourself to all the good things in life too, and do the same to your partner. Very soon you will find true love always coming your way without any effort on your part. As always, if you are encountering problems in your
Relationship, try to dissolve all of your problems in love. And you’ll be sure you are on your way to a peaceful and fulfilling relationship! And of course DEPRESSION LESS
©Copyright 2008 by Shawn. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org. The following article was solely written and edited by the author named above. The views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy.org. Questions or concerns about the following article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment to this blog entry.